I was literally sent messages by guys and the first thing they would say is “hey are you dating someone right now?” First of all–if I was seriously dating someone why would I be online dating? Also, why not start with an opener–ask me how I’m doing and if I don’t respond, maybe that means I’m dating someone. They do not say anything to try to remotely connect and just say “hey are you dating someone right now?” That question just requires a yes or no answer. It is not the initiation of a great conversation that would lead to a date.
My friend is online dating and she got a message from some guy in Europe who wrote a couple paragraphs about himself (lots of grammatical and spelling errors but whatever) and at the end he wrote “this is not a foreign scam.” She showed it to me and I laughed out loud–I did not think it was a foreign scam until he said that!
I was at my boyfriend’s house when it was time to leave. As I was driving away, I realized I forgot my phone. I immediately turned around–and luckily his front door was unlocked. Maybe I should have knocked, but this was my boyfriend and I was gone for five minutes at the most. I went straight to his room–where I left my cell phone and he was sitting at his desk, with his back facing me, obviously facebook-instant-chatting (whatever it’s called) with his ex girlfriend!
I was gone for 5 minutes and he immediately gets online to talk to his ex girlfriend? I have no idea what they were talking about, but after I saw it I said “hey.” He whipped around and closed the chat box so it didn’t seem so innocent. I explained that I forgot my phone–grabbed it and went home.
I’ve already vented about the dumb messages I get that say “hi.” I won’t even entertain those messages. But I have gotten normal messages where I will start corresponding. I have gotten into the habit of matching the messages with equal amount of effort that is put into it by the man. I was talking to this one guy who seemed normal and nice with four or five email exchanges. On the most recent one he said one sentence “let’s do something this weekend.” I considered not responding–he didn’t say coffee, or a meal or even ask for my number and then ask me out. Just “let’s do something this weekend.” True to my philosophy I wrote “ok.” Which I feel put an equal amount of effort in. He did not respond after that. I guess he was not a fan of the effort he was putting in, since I merely reflected it.
I try to build a rapport at least a little before I meet in person. Through messaging–it is similar to email. “Hey, I noticed that you went hiking at ______, I’ve been there too isn’t it beautiful?” “Wow, how often do you go surfing? That’s awesome.” The messages generally are not very long, and even if they are, the common sense thing to do would be to read and respond, like a normal person. A deal breaker for me is if someone ignores my questions or obviously is not paying attention to what I’m saying.
This has sadly happened more than once, but the most obvious time was when this guy was messaging me “what kind of work do you do?” And I responded. The conversation went on and a few minutes later “what kind of work do you do?” What….
The same thing would happen if he asked me how my day was, and he asked me more than once how many siblings I had. Things like that. I was so confused–I showed the conversation to my roommate who expressed that that was worse than being in person because the guy can actually scroll back and look at what was said or how I responded. If he is this spacy via messaging when he can just re-read what was said, what is he going to be like in person? I decided not to meet him.
I kind of make it a rule that I will not exchange numbers with someone I talk to online until I at least have their first name. I believe in building a rapport before agreeing to meet in person. There does not need to be weeks of messaging–just a few so that I know he can type coherently and that we at least have a little bit of a base for things in common. I don’t understand when the first message is “hey do you want to meet?” Like–what? no..I don’t even know your name–you didn’t introduce yourself or ask me who I am. Or even for my number. I’m just going to say “ok.” And we’ll meet somewhere and we don’t even know each others first names? I am wondering if guys just message every girl “Wanna meet?” And keep their fingers crossed that someone responses “sure!”
For some online websites, you can see how often the person logs on and when they check their messages. A little invasive, but that’s just the way things are now. For this particular dating site, I had the app on my phone but also could also log on from my computer. I used my phone to check messages and look at profiles but did not write any messages until I was logged onto my computer.
I got a message from a guy, who seemed nice and someone I would want to talk to. On my phone I read the message and browsed his profile. I decided I would respond when I had time to log on from my computer. MINUTES after making this decision, I get another message from him that was very upset and defensive “Wow, you read my message and chose not to respond. That’s just rude, what makes you already think you’re too good to talk to me?”
Um—this guy is crazy. I am actually so glad that he was upfront about his true colors when I could have been corresponding with a total psycho. So luckily that one was caught early before conversation ensued.