Monthly Archives: June 2015

The “Not Ready to Date” Guy

According to his profile, we had a lot in common and I was really excited for this date.  He was exactly what I expected and we definitely had a spark during the dinner.  He talked about a break up he went through (which was totally fine).

Break-ups are tough, I had gone through what sounded like a similar break-up, and I told him that.  He asked how long ago it was and I said “oh, don’t worry, that was over 2 years ago, it’s not like I’m on the rebound or anything.”  Then I asked him when he went through this break up he was referring to and he said “2 weeks ago.”

Wait, what?

He said he signed up for online dating a week ago. So–he was in a serious relationship, describing a serious and heart breaking experience and this happened two weeks ago?!  I was so confused at how he could be ok with this since it usually takes more than a week to get over a serious break up.

I liked him so much I decided to go on a second date with him (ex girlfriend came up again).  This time he said he is not looking for anything serious–just wanted to date around again, and probably should have taken more time post-break up to recover. (duh). I SHOULD have realized this after the first date, but I was dumb and advice from others said if he made the conscious decision to online date he MUST be ready. Not the case.

The “How Is Your Day” Guy

I was casually dating this guy, but there were no major sparks.  I was young and he was nice, so we kept it going for a while.  We had a lunch date one day and I had had an exciting morning that I was eager to tell him about.  I didn’t want to dominate the conversation, so I decided I would tell him when he asks how I am, or how my day was.  I go on the date and he NEVER asks me how I am. (random people ask me how I’m doing as I pass them in the hallways of my office building).

So I never told this guy about my morning, since he obviously didn’t care to hear about my day. Then I (stupidly) continue to date him and I notice that EVERY DATE he not once asks me how I am, or how my day was or how work was–even though I made a conscious effort to ask him at the beginning of each date how his day had been.  He never reciprocated and did not remotely seem invested in my life.  In hindsight, I don’t know if he knew anything about me because he never asked.

Here’s the kicker though–instead of ending it, me being young and stupid brought it up to him, that he never asks me how my day is.  And instead of realizing that is rude and making the effort to change, he got defensive and said I should just tell him. It’s something I expressed that I had a problem with, but apparently asking me how I am doing was WAY too much effort so the conclusion of this conversation (he actually said this) is that he still will never ask me how my day is, and I will just tell him.

The “Co-Dependent” Guy

I definitely do not think people should be judged by their families or friends–but there are some red flag indicators that you can look out for. My boyfriend at the time would occasionally go to basketball games with his dad and step-mom.  He and his dad are huge basketball fans but he doesn’t love going with his dad since he said his step-mom ruins the mood.  She hates basketball and she hates being there and the whole time while he and his dad are trying to watch the game she is grumbling and complaining “it’s so hot in here” “This is so boring” “I’m hungry” “do we need to stay till the end?”

So then I asked him why she goes and (swear to God) he looks at me like I’m crazy and says matter-of-factly because they’re married.

I thought that was weird but kind of brushed past it.  Then I met his best friend and the best friends wife (Ben and Jody).  My boyfriend told me when Ben and Jody first started dating, he lived with Ben.  Each night they were not together Jody would call Ben at 3am crying because she needs him to be there, so Ben would leave to go spend the rest of the night with her.  EVERY NIGHT.

Again, didn’t think too much of this.  When we were breaking up he said things like “and you NEVER come to soccer with me, and you’ve NEVER invited me to Yoga with you! You go out with your friends and don’t invite me!” (he is referring to the occasional girls nights I would have).

I thought it was perfectly healthy that we each have our own hobbies and can spend time with our friends without the significant other tagging along.  Upon reflection it totally *clicked* in my head–all these weird co-dependent relationships I had been witnessing in his life is what he thought a relationship was.

 

The “You Are My Type” Guy

My friend was out with her friends and they started mingling with a group of guys.  My friend was dating someone, but she had fun mingling and enjoying the day.  I guess one of the girls she was with drunkenly gave one of the guys her phone number because her phone started blowing up after they left.

He reminded her of who he was–she said she had a nice time talking with him, but that she was seeing someone.  He continued to be persistent saying things like “PLEASE, you are TOTALLY my type.”  Which is probably true, but I thought it was a weird thing to say when she was reporting this to me.  If he really wanted to go out with her, shouldn’t HE be the one saying why SHE should go out with HIM?  Not that that would have worked–just weird with the begging because SHE is so HIS type–no argument on why she should go out with him.

The “Cuddle” Guy

I had exchanged a couple messages with this guy online.  He seemed fine and it was just a very pleasant, slow conversation.  It was thunder storming that particular day so in my message I wrote something about how it’s been kind of gloomy.  His response was that it is “perfect cuddle weather” and that he could not wait to cuddle with me.  Wait…what?!  We were just talking online. We hadn’t exchanged phone numbers or even set up a meeting and he’s already talking about cuddling?!  NO thanks.

The “What Are We?” Guy

I had gone on a few dates with this guy–but we never had the “define the relationship” talk.  I was in no rush.  We were at the fair, and a couple of my friends were there too.  I told him that we would meet up with them–and he kind of freaked out. Although we were not at the “let’s have the talk” phase–we were holding hands.  He was like

“wait..what are we?”

“what should we tell them?”

“what if they ask if i’m your boyfriend?”

Chill out–we are just at a state fair and a couple people I know are here too- not a big deal.  And they are my friends! It’s not like I had never talked to them and all of a sudden I have some rando with me.

I could not deal with the high-strungness and someone who freaked out about a casual run in.  I want a MAN who is not going to be a worry-wart and can handle spontaneous situations.

 

The “Meeting Friends” Guy

My friend and her husband were visiting the city for a couple nights and I was really excited to hang out with them.  I had been dating this guy for a few months at the time and thought it would be nice for us to all go out to dinner.

I made reservations for four at a restaurant my boyfriend really likes. I got a call from my friend that their flight had been delayed and they will get in later.  I was with my boyfriend when I received the call, so we tried to adapt.  I called the restaurant, which unfortunately was booked after us so could not squeeze us in later.  It was a busy night–we called a few other places.

I asked my boyfriend if he had any suggestions or what he thinks we should do.  To my surprise this was his reaction “I don’t really understand why I’m having to change my plans for these people.  I wanted to eat at that restaurant and I’m pissed about having to change everything for these people I’ve never even met.”

I had no idea he was getting upset while I was distracted calling restaurants.  There are a myriad of reasons why this was a red flag–he was not adaptable, he was unwilling to meet my friends, he was unwilling to do something that was important to me and he was downright rude about it.

The “One Uploaded Pic” Guy

This post is dedicated to my friend who is a fan of my blog and send me this entry:

I caution strongly against going out with someone that has uploaded one picture of themselves, especially if the picture is out of focus.

It’s a given that in the online dating world, we are all going to show the best of ourselves. This probably means picking the pictures where you look your best, are certainly made up and put together, and may even be from a few years ago where you were in the best shape of your life. We all do it, and therefore all know going into dates that our expectations might not be in line with reality. It’s a fine line, showing off the best of yourself without purposefully ‘misleading’ your potential date.

Given this implicit social contract we all agree to, I would urge you to further brace yourselves if you decide to go on a date with a person who has uploaded ONE picture.. especially if that picture is out of focus. I am never one to put too much value on physical appearance, but fully acknowledge that some attraction needs to be there for chemistry to happen.

This person was great on paper– we came from the same place, he was a state champion level athlete, went to a great school, and lived in the same cities I did. There was a bit of banter in our messages and he was quick to ask me on a coffee date. It was set up to be a very promising date and I remember being nervous for it.

I walked in and was shocked by the contrast between pictures and real life. I could see a bit of what was there in the photo, but not much. The guy didn’t smile much– he barely made eye contact with me and was quite shifty in his seat, playing on his phone quite a bit. The worst part was his posture (which made me realize how much of a difference posture really makes), as he slumped over the table in front of me. It was an effort to get him to laugh, which I tried hard to do, and he generally did not seem too interested in our conversation. The fact that he let me buy the two coffees (which I don’t usually have an issue with but I’m a student and he was in his early thirties and had a full time job) was the cherry on top of my evening.

Who knows how consistent this phenomenon is, but if you’re going to take the time to upload one photo, why not two? Maybe Karma will take me in the other direction where one day I will be pleasantly surprised by someone I did not think I would initially be attracted to. Until then, I will still be wary of single photo profiles.

The “Let’s Do Something” Guy

I’ve already vented about the dumb messages I get that say “hi.”  I won’t even entertain those messages. But I have gotten normal messages where I will start corresponding. I have gotten into the habit of matching the messages with equal amount of effort that is put into it by the man.  I was talking to this one guy who seemed normal and nice with four or five email exchanges.  On the most recent one he said one sentence “let’s do something this weekend.”  I considered not responding–he didn’t say coffee, or a meal or even ask for my number and then ask me out.  Just “let’s do something this weekend.”  True to my philosophy I wrote “ok.”  Which I feel put an equal amount of effort in.  He did not respond after that.  I guess he was not a fan of the effort he was putting in, since I merely reflected it.

The “Hot Shot” Guy

I met this guy through mutual friends when we all went to a workout class.  I thought he was nice so I agreed to get dinner with him.  Turns out that was his first time in the class, but he was interested in doing it more often.  Most classes charge, but this particular one is free and I am a huge fan of it.  So I said “You should definitely do it more, especially that one–it’s free!”  And his response verbatim was “money isn’t an issue.”

Um…OK hot shot 1) you just said you were interested in continuing 2) I don’t care if you’re a billionaire–who is not happy to take advantage of a free class.

To make matters worse, when the waiter came, he had some designer glasses.  This hot shot makes a comment about how could the waiter possibly afford those expensive things, when he works as a waiter.  

I thought these were heavily weighted comments that showed me a lot about him and his values and it was definitely a turn off.